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Monday, August 8, 2016
, 4:04 AM
⇨La Lune
12/15/15
I remember, almost exactly a year ago. I was studying on campus for hours, trying to cram as much as I could before my final the next day. I was completely miserable, unmotivated, and anxious. Then one of my friends, without me saying anything, walked up to me and gave me a hug. Then he told me "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay."
That's when I knew I really surrounded myself with the best group of people. My 2015 had so many ups and downs but in the end I realized how many great people were in it. How much people really changed my life.
After probably the most crushing and emotionally grueling first few months, my 2015 was looking really grim. Sad, lonely, and confused, I kept wondering what was going on. Then something came completely out of the left field. I got hired to a position that i've been wanting to work at since the school year started. I know people say cliche things and make remarks about how certain events completely changed my life. But this actually, really changed my life. At my job I met tons of people. It was an incredible culture shock being introduced to SO many different people, with SO many different personalities, and SO many different feelings. These people were literally a breath of fresh air. They were some of the most inspirational, driven, and talented people I had met. But more importantly, they helped me. I was quickly led out of my sadness. I was brought out of that deep, melancholy hole that I felt stuck in.
I remember one day at work, I was talking to this guy about U.C.S.B. He was one of the most kind, generous, and positive human being I had known. He talked to me about how he was graduating soon, and how he still could not comprehend how beautiful his school was, how great and amazing it was to have the opportunity to be where he was at, to experience the things he did, and to meet the people he met. He went on about how he had never spent a single day upset. He asked me how anyone could be upset when all they have to do is go outside, take a deep breath, and look around to feel the true beauty of their situation. I don't know if he was trippin or was high but I went with it anyways.
A few days later I decided, fuck it, i'm going to go to sands, take some pictures, and watch the sunset. And I did. And I don't think I ever felt more at peace with myself then that single moment. The scene was straight out of a movie: soft waves, orange sunset, and purple clouds. I could not believe I had been sleepin on this shit. But it felt great. It felt real. And for the first time in a long time I got butterflies and I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly felt so glad to be there, so glad to be in my situation, and so glad to finally start feeling better.
After my break up I had extremely low confidence, social anxiety, and severe lack of motivation. But it wasn't her fault. Not at all. It was completely mine, for letting it come down to that. I realized that I couldn't let myself in such a dark, dark place ever again. I made a promise to myself and my future self that I would never, ever, ever return to that sad place. I promised I'd always put myself first. I promised that I'd always take care of myself no matter what. That I was an important person in this world. That I was the best fucking thing ever and you know what? It felt great. I felt content. I felt completely spoiled by everything in my life. I felt whole.
I remember fall of 2015 I tried to kick as much ass as possible. I attended all the accounting events. I crammed like 10 applications and 10 cover letters into a single week. Interviews, resumes, applications, cover letters. That was my life for a couple weeks. It was incredibly busy with school and work piled on. I don't think I had ever grown so much as a person in such a small period of ti,e. Worked over, and over, and over again on my resume. Tried relentlessly to make myself a better person. My internship plans never went through, but I'm very happy that I was able to work so hard for something that the old me would have never, ever, ever thought I would. I was actually proud of myself, and the person I had become at the end of the year.
My 2015 is coming to an end, but I couldn't be happier.
I remember, almost exactly a year ago. I was studying on campus for hours, trying to cram as much as I could before my final the next day. I was completely miserable, unmotivated, and anxious. Then one of my friends, without me saying anything, walked up to me and gave me a hug. Then he told me "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay."
That's when I knew I really surrounded myself with the best group of people. My 2015 had so many ups and downs but in the end I realized how many great people were in it. How much people really changed my life.
After probably the most crushing and emotionally grueling first few months, my 2015 was looking really grim. Sad, lonely, and confused, I kept wondering what was going on. Then something came completely out of the left field. I got hired to a position that i've been wanting to work at since the school year started. I know people say cliche things and make remarks about how certain events completely changed my life. But this actually, really changed my life. At my job I met tons of people. It was an incredible culture shock being introduced to SO many different people, with SO many different personalities, and SO many different feelings. These people were literally a breath of fresh air. They were some of the most inspirational, driven, and talented people I had met. But more importantly, they helped me. I was quickly led out of my sadness. I was brought out of that deep, melancholy hole that I felt stuck in.
I remember one day at work, I was talking to this guy about U.C.S.B. He was one of the most kind, generous, and positive human being I had known. He talked to me about how he was graduating soon, and how he still could not comprehend how beautiful his school was, how great and amazing it was to have the opportunity to be where he was at, to experience the things he did, and to meet the people he met. He went on about how he had never spent a single day upset. He asked me how anyone could be upset when all they have to do is go outside, take a deep breath, and look around to feel the true beauty of their situation. I don't know if he was trippin or was high but I went with it anyways.
A few days later I decided, fuck it, i'm going to go to sands, take some pictures, and watch the sunset. And I did. And I don't think I ever felt more at peace with myself then that single moment. The scene was straight out of a movie: soft waves, orange sunset, and purple clouds. I could not believe I had been sleepin on this shit. But it felt great. It felt real. And for the first time in a long time I got butterflies and I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly felt so glad to be there, so glad to be in my situation, and so glad to finally start feeling better.
After my break up I had extremely low confidence, social anxiety, and severe lack of motivation. But it wasn't her fault. Not at all. It was completely mine, for letting it come down to that. I realized that I couldn't let myself in such a dark, dark place ever again. I made a promise to myself and my future self that I would never, ever, ever return to that sad place. I promised I'd always put myself first. I promised that I'd always take care of myself no matter what. That I was an important person in this world. That I was the best fucking thing ever and you know what? It felt great. I felt content. I felt completely spoiled by everything in my life. I felt whole.
I remember fall of 2015 I tried to kick as much ass as possible. I attended all the accounting events. I crammed like 10 applications and 10 cover letters into a single week. Interviews, resumes, applications, cover letters. That was my life for a couple weeks. It was incredibly busy with school and work piled on. I don't think I had ever grown so much as a person in such a small period of ti,e. Worked over, and over, and over again on my resume. Tried relentlessly to make myself a better person. My internship plans never went through, but I'm very happy that I was able to work so hard for something that the old me would have never, ever, ever thought I would. I was actually proud of myself, and the person I had become at the end of the year.
My 2015 is coming to an end, but I couldn't be happier.
, 3:57 AM
⇨Super Rich Kids
This feels like our first relationship.
This feels like the times you used to completely shun me for weekends at a time, with no explanation or reason to give me. No matter how much I'd ask to speak to you, you wouldn't. I remember, when we broke up, and I looked back at that. I remember feeling like I was nothing. I wasn't worth a single word, or text, or acknowledgement.
It used to kill me inside. Slowly I watched while you grew more and more distant from me. It honestly kills me to know how similar our situation now is to our past relationship.
And I couldn't do anything about it. I felt worthless because you would never say anything, no matter how much I tried.
I can't believe i'm stuck here, years later, in the same exact situation. I remember how terrible I used to think you shunning me felt.
Now I'm starting to feel the same way I did before we cut things off.
I never realized how traumatized I must have been from our first relationship. I starting to think it was normal for people to shun their significant other for days and days without any explanation. I started to think it was normal to just accept the fact that maybe you really don't care to speak to me when I was your boyfriend.
There's no other feeling like knowing the other person is trying to push you away. To feel like they don't want anything to do with you anymore.
I promised myself i'd never let myself get treated like that again. I promised I'd take care of myself this time. Why do I feel just as depressed as I did before?
I hate overthinking, but it's all i've been doing this weekend. No matter how badly I tried to talk to you, to get a single response out of you, to get any sign that you cared about me, you would never acknowledge me. All I have is that snapchat of you, that you later deleted, flirting with some dude I don't know. That's it. That's all I got out of you this weekend. A snapchat of you flirting with someone.
Maybe I should start accepting the fact that you're starting to not care about me anymore.
What happened to me. I was on the top of the world. I haven't felt this low in such a long time.
This feels like the times you used to completely shun me for weekends at a time, with no explanation or reason to give me. No matter how much I'd ask to speak to you, you wouldn't. I remember, when we broke up, and I looked back at that. I remember feeling like I was nothing. I wasn't worth a single word, or text, or acknowledgement.
It used to kill me inside. Slowly I watched while you grew more and more distant from me. It honestly kills me to know how similar our situation now is to our past relationship.
And I couldn't do anything about it. I felt worthless because you would never say anything, no matter how much I tried.
I can't believe i'm stuck here, years later, in the same exact situation. I remember how terrible I used to think you shunning me felt.
Now I'm starting to feel the same way I did before we cut things off.
I never realized how traumatized I must have been from our first relationship. I starting to think it was normal for people to shun their significant other for days and days without any explanation. I started to think it was normal to just accept the fact that maybe you really don't care to speak to me when I was your boyfriend.
There's no other feeling like knowing the other person is trying to push you away. To feel like they don't want anything to do with you anymore.
I promised myself i'd never let myself get treated like that again. I promised I'd take care of myself this time. Why do I feel just as depressed as I did before?
I hate overthinking, but it's all i've been doing this weekend. No matter how badly I tried to talk to you, to get a single response out of you, to get any sign that you cared about me, you would never acknowledge me. All I have is that snapchat of you, that you later deleted, flirting with some dude I don't know. That's it. That's all I got out of you this weekend. A snapchat of you flirting with someone.
Maybe I should start accepting the fact that you're starting to not care about me anymore.
What happened to me. I was on the top of the world. I haven't felt this low in such a long time.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
, 3:13 AM
⇨
I'm back in that place I promised myself i'd never get back into. I can't believe it's starting to feel like that again. I'm hurting.
I've lost myself. Where was the guy who went on walks to the beach alone. The one who sat and meditated for so long, staring at the ocean being so introspective. The one who thought he could conquer the world. The one who felt so, genuinely, absolutely happy?
What happened to me. What happened to that version of me. Where is he?
I'm so lost. I promised myself i'd never ever go back to that dark place again. Yet here I am. Why am I not taking care of myself.
History repeats itself. Why am I back here.
I've lost myself. Where was the guy who went on walks to the beach alone. The one who sat and meditated for so long, staring at the ocean being so introspective. The one who thought he could conquer the world. The one who felt so, genuinely, absolutely happy?
What happened to me. What happened to that version of me. Where is he?
I'm so lost. I promised myself i'd never ever go back to that dark place again. Yet here I am. Why am I not taking care of myself.
History repeats itself. Why am I back here.
Monday, December 7, 2015
, 12:22 AM
⇨Innonence
I've honestly been feeling so down. Do you know that feeling when you're stuck in a place that you had once hoped you'd never ever be in?
Today felt so off. Maybe i'm too full of sad thoughts. Maybe i'm too introspective for my own good. Why does my mind dwell on thing that are just so bad and unhealthy for me.
Where is the person I used to know. I promised I would always take care of myself. What happened.
Friday, June 5, 2015
, 2:37 AM
⇨Goodbye To A World
Note to self:
Please never forget.
You must be kind. You must be compassionate. You must be loving.
You must never forget to find the good in everyone. You must look out to others and see the best versions of them. You must look out for others, take care of those who need it, and take care of yourself. You must open yourself with the same compassion that so many others have shown you. You must embrace those that stay close to you. You must maintain your capacity for forgiveness. You must cherish everything you have been given.
You must try your best to be the kindest version of yourself. If not for yourself then for others. They need it. We all need it.
Please never forget.
You must be kind. You must be compassionate. You must be loving.
You must never forget to find the good in everyone. You must look out to others and see the best versions of them. You must look out for others, take care of those who need it, and take care of yourself. You must open yourself with the same compassion that so many others have shown you. You must embrace those that stay close to you. You must maintain your capacity for forgiveness. You must cherish everything you have been given.
You must try your best to be the kindest version of yourself. If not for yourself then for others. They need it. We all need it.
, 1:11 AM
⇨
I need help. Please.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
, 11:58 PM
⇨Shiver Shiver
"When you are close to me I shiver"
Goodbyes are never easy. If there's one thing that I'll never get used to, it would be watching people you are close to leave. As cliche as it sounds, I honestly believe that the person I am today is a result of everyone that has been in my life so far. I can't help but feel like I'll always carry a bit of every significant person that comes and goes in my life.
Being in this place really is too good to be true. There are really no words I could use to even come close to describing how this place makes me feel.
So we got a dog, and her name is Maya and she's soooooo fucking adorable (except when she tries to climb into my bed while I'm sleeping.
I'm still thinking about the conversation we had yesterday night. Maybe it was just something I've been lying to myself about. I've been putting up this front and acting like it didn't affect me anymore but, maybe it still does. It's been a deadweight that I feel like i've been holding in longer than I should have. But thank you for talking to me (and eating all my nachos like a pig) at 3 am. I hope you don't lose my jacket. But anyways, maybe you really are right. But then again, maybe you're wrong. You know a lot more about me than I could have ever guessed and honestly that's pretty amazing. You're pretty amazing.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
, 1:33 AM
⇨Lakehouse
"Climb up to the top in worn out shoes"
Another day, another conversation to think about.
There is so much more to life than what we see everyday. I'm happy knowing that I've spent my life with the people who have been it, and I'll never forget those who played such a significant part in making me the person I am today. Because after all, we are all a product of our past. They're all right when they say time stops for no one, and there really is no time to live in the regret we all trap ourselves in. And I am proud that I can now say I am truly happy with everything.
Through every precious moment, every unforgettable memory, and every life-changing conversation, i'll never find a reason not to appreciate everything around me. Here's to the highs and lows of life. To the best years and the worst. To the ones who have stayed with me and the ones who haven't. To those I'd take a bullet for to those who would love to watch that bullet hit me. My very bestfriends and my enemies. To the greatest moments of my life that are still ahead of me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
, 2:05 AM
⇨Afternoon
Sat and watched the sunset sit over the ocean today,
Got butterflies all over again.
Monday, May 26, 2014
, 5:52 PM
⇨
I've been thinking a lot lately these past few nights.
Am I where I want to be? If I died tomorrow, would I be the person that I want to be? What would I be to others? Would I be just a brother or a role model? Just an ex or a good friend? A roommate or a lifelong friend?
I guess what happened a few nights ago just put me in a state of shock. Man. Life is so short, are we really living it the way we want to? In the grand scheme of the world, some of our problems are literally so insignificant. It just feels like such a waste of time to get caught up in these small problems now.
After all that happened I've grown such a strong appreciation for life. Especially my own. Why have I been wasting all my time on these small problems? This past weekend I've been (trying to) tie loose ends and telling the people close to me how I really feel about them, because what if I lose those opportunities tomorrow?
Damn.
Am I where I want to be? If I died tomorrow, would I be the person that I want to be? What would I be to others? Would I be just a brother or a role model? Just an ex or a good friend? A roommate or a lifelong friend?
I guess what happened a few nights ago just put me in a state of shock. Man. Life is so short, are we really living it the way we want to? In the grand scheme of the world, some of our problems are literally so insignificant. It just feels like such a waste of time to get caught up in these small problems now.
After all that happened I've grown such a strong appreciation for life. Especially my own. Why have I been wasting all my time on these small problems? This past weekend I've been (trying to) tie loose ends and telling the people close to me how I really feel about them, because what if I lose those opportunities tomorrow?
Damn.
Monday, May 12, 2014
, 2:33 AM
⇨Yellow Light
"Just grab a hold of my hand, I will lead you through this wonderland"
It's nice knowing that you're doing okay. It's always nice knowing how you're doing. I don't know if it's a random feel of emotions, but it really makes me glad knowing about you.
I do miss us. There are those random times at night where the bed just feels so empty, and the air is lonely. But this entire thing was definitely a blessing in disguise. You still make me happy. And I hope the next person who comes by you will make you feel that same way.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
, 5:51 PM
⇨
this is why i hate going home
Monday, February 10, 2014
, 3:51 AM
⇨Strings
"Lost in the summer man, we're burning up"
And just like that, one of the greatest chapters of my life is over. I can't say it wasn't worth it. I can't say she wasn't worth it.
I'm glad we got to spend all that time together. I'm glad that the purely naive portions of our lives were intertwined. That one summer we spent entirely together. Nothing to do; no responsibilities, no school. Just two kids straight out of high school. Doing whatever the fuck we wanted to do and not giving a single shit. I remember how hard it was when college started. I remember the fucking struggle it would be sometimes to see you every other week or whenever we were arguing. I remember how hard it used to be to say goodbye. I really miss that right now. I really miss everything. And it just feels like I can't stop thinking about our past relationship. All the inside jokes. All the times you slept over. All the kissing and cuddling and hugging and it's slowly tearing me apart. It used to be nothing but fucking smiles. It used to be fucking laughter and joy and fucking smiles. And Disneyland. It just used to be so fucking easy man. The past was so fucking easy. I'm like breaking down writing this fucking stupid fucking piece of shit blog no one's going to even fucking see this. Is this what a real heartbreak feels like. I don't wish this kind of emotional pain on my worst enemies. God, what the fuck ever happened to us.
What in the fucking world fucking happened to us. what tHE FUCK. I used to think we were fucking invincible.
I'm so fucking used to just being apart for a day and getting back together. It's never been like this before. Never. It's easy for you to just forget but it's so fucking hard for me. I saw a fucking future for us. I know that sounds fucking naive to you or to anyone; like, how could I even dare to imagine dating you into the fucking future even though things have been endlessly spiraling straight to hell. I always fucking thought we'd get over anything that was handed to us. Life, school, work, friends. I thought we'd get through our problems together like we always did. I was fucking stupid and I'm sorry. Why do these things have to be so hard man. Why can't I just instantly forget about you, about our past, and move the fuck on. There was so much shit I still wanted to say but couldn't even put into words. I've just been a fucking mess.
I can't say you weren't worth it. Hell, I can't even say that I didn't love you every fucking day. And it will always be like that.
Thank you for everything.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
, 1:47 AM
⇨Daydreamer
"You're a daydreamer, and it's the same thing over and over"
But I have always loved you. As much as I'd ever hate to admit it sometimes, I really do love you. No amount of anger will get in the way of loving you. I know shit gets really hard, but I've been here with you since day one.
But I'm always worried one day you're just going to completely stop loving me because of how far we are and how little we talk.
Lately I've been catching myself zone out a lot. Sometimes school just makes me feel like a zombie, constantly studying and regurgitating information. It just makes me feel so blah
It sucks to feel like we're growing apart. It's a constant struggle to keep myself from feeling like I'm losing you more and more every single day. All I can do is just sit here and watch you drift away from me. And I hate it. I just feel like I mean less and less to you every day. Every single fucking day. And it's one of the most terrible feelings in the world. It just hurts.
It's always been about you. I've always been about you. Why does this always have to happen.
Long distance is hard man. When you need her the most, she won't be next to you. When something great happens, she can't be with you either. It just makes me so angry sometimes because I feel so powerless. It just feels like there is nothing I can do about this. It's fucking hard.
It sucks to feel like we're growing apart. It's a constant struggle to keep myself from feeling like I'm losing you more and more every single day. All I can do is just sit here and watch you drift away from me. And I hate it. I just feel like I mean less and less to you every day. Every single fucking day. And it's one of the most terrible feelings in the world. It just hurts.
It's always been about you. I've always been about you. Why does this always have to happen.
Long distance is hard man. When you need her the most, she won't be next to you. When something great happens, she can't be with you either. It just makes me so angry sometimes because I feel so powerless. It just feels like there is nothing I can do about this. It's fucking hard.
But I have always loved you. As much as I'd ever hate to admit it sometimes, I really do love you. No amount of anger will get in the way of loving you. I know shit gets really hard, but I've been here with you since day one.
But I'm always worried one day you're just going to completely stop loving me because of how far we are and how little we talk.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
, 5:53 AM
⇨Ordinary People
"We're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go"
What the fuck happened?
What
the
fuck
happened?
I miss your smiles that made me feel better.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
, 4:47 AM
⇨
You will always be everything.
Friday, May 3, 2013
, 2:20 AM
⇨While the Fire Was Out
"But she blinds me with her beauty I never dare, dare to have a doubt"
Ugh seriously. I've run out of pictures to use. I'm getting desperate for pictures nowadays LOL. I really need to get back into this photography shit. Maybe when I get less busy. But then again I always say that.
School's whatevs.
Lately I've been so clingy. Just so attached and I know it's very annoying. I honestly don't know why I've been acting so weird lately. I just can't quite put my finger on it. I'm so annoying LOL.
I hate change. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I know it's a really bad habit to consistently get caught up in the past and how things used to be and compare it to how things are. But sometimes I find myself unable to help myself. Things were so easy. So simple. So naive.
But I guess that's what love is? It's change. It's not always going to be easy. It's fighting. It's butting heads. It's arguing. It's wanting to rip eachother's heads out. It's stubbornness and it's resentment and it's bitterness and underneath, though, there's still that one thing keeping you two connected together.
And deep deep deep deep down in that little restless heart of yours, you know you wouldn't want to have anything else with anyone else. Because anger, tears, and stupid bickering won't ever get in the way of loving her. And whatever temporary anger lingers around, dissipates and in the end you can't deny you're so fucking crazy over this one girl. And maybe when this temporary phase of whatever your feeling fades away even more, you'll realize everything else in the world is stupid. Nothing else matters when she stands next to you because you know she'll always be the girl you fell and landed fat on your face for. And you'll always be that dumb fool doing everything you can (and sometimes still messing up) to make her happy. You're always going to be the dumbass who puts her first. The smitten bitch that never stopped chasing after her. And you're going to keep looking at her like she's still the most beautiful thing you've set your eyes on. You're still going to hold her like she was your universe. You'll still spoil her (but no so much with food anymore). She's irreplaceable. And you two are there, working together make it work. And you realize, maybe not everything has changed after all.
I love you.
But I guess that's what love is? It's change. It's not always going to be easy. It's fighting. It's butting heads. It's arguing. It's wanting to rip eachother's heads out. It's stubbornness and it's resentment and it's bitterness and underneath, though, there's still that one thing keeping you two connected together.
And deep deep deep deep down in that little restless heart of yours, you know you wouldn't want to have anything else with anyone else. Because anger, tears, and stupid bickering won't ever get in the way of loving her. And whatever temporary anger lingers around, dissipates and in the end you can't deny you're so fucking crazy over this one girl. And maybe when this temporary phase of whatever your feeling fades away even more, you'll realize everything else in the world is stupid. Nothing else matters when she stands next to you because you know she'll always be the girl you fell and landed fat on your face for. And you'll always be that dumb fool doing everything you can (and sometimes still messing up) to make her happy. You're always going to be the dumbass who puts her first. The smitten bitch that never stopped chasing after her. And you're going to keep looking at her like she's still the most beautiful thing you've set your eyes on. You're still going to hold her like she was your universe. You'll still spoil her (but no so much with food anymore). She's irreplaceable. And you two are there, working together make it work. And you realize, maybe not everything has changed after all.
I love you.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
, 2:09 AM
⇨
There's no denying there's something truly special about her
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
, 1:28 AM
⇨
When will it go away. It merely slipped away
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
, 11:40 PM
⇨Wide Eyes
"Oh, to see it with my own eyes"
It's scary. It's just a high-risk game. A devastating gamble. You're left hopelessly praying that whatever happens is the best and thats just it.
You just want the waiting to stop, and your dedication to pay off. So if you walk away, you can say you've done everything you could. It's not giving up. It's facing defeat.
And then you realized just how vulnerable you've become. How you've open your heart so wide for one person, and you've been left ultimately unprotected. Easily shattered, wrapped up in the own torment of your pessimism, waiting for it to all be over. The memories start coming back, and what you once felt as pure bliss twists into pain; pain insubstantial to what you feel like you're about to go through. And instantaneously you get caught up in worry and fear, hoping for the best. Because you're absolutely crazy in love and there's no longer denying it.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
, 11:50 PM
⇨I will wait for you
"Then there was you, so randomly too, the way that you walked by"
It's just one of those moments in my life where I can't help but think how well off I have it. Instantaneously I become a demographic with those who feel sudden sudden bursts of euphoria; but I can almost swear, it feels like more than that right now.
I love you. I'll give us 100%.
It's naive, but I want to spend as much time as I can with you. Be reckless. Travel the world. The city. Just getting lost together. It sounds so damn corny and romantic but I don't know.
Until recently, I was always the guy out of my friends who was basically single while everyone was finding someone to be with. Always the third wheel. The one who sat on the side as my friends kissed and cuddled with their boyfriends/girlfriends.
I can't help but say that finally, finally I have someone I can commit to. Someone that's actually worth trying to keep. No more of those stupid nights spent wondering when the hell I was going to get someone too.
And then you came along. As your bestfriend, I would have never known. And you would have never known either. But I'm glad it happened. I'm glad us happened. Because I can go to sleep at night and know someone really loves me. Because I can wake up in the morning and know someone still really loves me. And I can bitch and be annoying and fuck up and yet there's still someone that really loves me.
And then you came along. As your bestfriend, I would have never known. And you would have never known either. But I'm glad it happened. I'm glad us happened. Because I can go to sleep at night and know someone really loves me. Because I can wake up in the morning and know someone still really loves me. And I can bitch and be annoying and fuck up and yet there's still someone that really loves me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
, 1:12 AM
⇨Breakers
"Waiting for my words to catch like I'm trying"
It's scary. It's scary how one person can mean so much to another. Reality slaps you in the face, and you realize how special that person truly is to you once you lose them. When did I become so vulnerable. How?
Being totally head over heels for someone, it's hard to tell the exact moment when they became the world to you. The moment where they were the only thing on your mind. The moment where you felt like you had someone that was not worth losing. Ever.
Looking back, at all the memories. I've named them countless times on this blog, I'm sure everyone knows about them. I can't help but think back to those times, when things were simple and we were just two kids in what seemed like an endless summer. Two reckless kids absolutely crazy over eachother. Even to this day, I'm always finding excuses just to see you and spend time with you. We've really grown and matured as a couple. Many many ups and downs. But what relationship doesn't go through all that. Who knows how long we'll be together.
I love you, and I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done wrong. I know one simple sentence on a stupid blog won't be adequate for all my shortcomings and downfalls. But please know your happiness has always been a priority for me, no matter how clingy or stupid I get. I understand you could have chosen anyone else on the planet, and you chose me. So thank you for that. I don't think I would have been the same if I had never met you and fallen in love. Because, well, I fell hard.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
, 4:59 AM
⇨Remember when
"When did it all, slip away?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me again shame on me.
The first time you did something like that behind my back. Ouch. But i'm glad you told me in the end. But I was disappointed that it had already happened a while ago.
Then the second time came around. Why did it have to come around.
I was convinced, that when you promised me it wouldn't happen again, it wouldn't. But a few weeks later it happened again.
I've been too lenient. What happened to promises? To trust? To peace of mind...
You thought it would be better if you didn't tell me. You thought it wouldn't bother me if you didn't tell me before it happened.
Dead wrong.
Did it not matter at all how I felt the first time? I can't seem to understand how, after you saw yourself what my reaction was when you did shady stuff behind my back, somehow decided to do it again. And you know what. I feel even more broken than the first time. I don't know how much more I can take.
But whatever. Life moves on.
Friday, November 30, 2012
, 3:30 AM
⇨On Melancholy Hill
"So call in the submarines, 'round the world we'll go"
It's starting to feel more like home here. Adjusting to college wasn't all that hard. It feels good to be involved.
I'm seriously going to bomb that exam tomorrow. I really hope I pass chemistry. Since I'm a science major the requirement to pass chemistry is a lot higher than it usually is. Fuck. I hope I pass.
I'm clingy af. Sorry. I seriously hope we stick together through everything. It means so much.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
, 3:13 AM
⇨Cough Syrup
"And so I run now to the things they said could restore me,"
It's confusing. It's weird. It's painful. It's worrisome. It tears you down, builds you up, and tears you down again. It's an up and down roller coaster, constantly in motion. It's staying up in the middle of the night wondering what the hell is happening next. Wondering why it had to happen.
But it's forgiving. It's sacrifice. It's what pulls you in. It's the reason you want to stay, the reason that keeps you 'till the bitter end. The reason that makes it all seem worth it. It's why the bad things go away. It's how the bad things go away. It gives you second thoughts. It's why you wouldn't give it up for the world. It's why you're head over heels. It's the center of your universe. It's complicated, yet it's naive. It's fulfilling, yet it leaves you empty, wanting for more. It's scary, but it's worry-free. It's the reason why, at the end of the day, it's all that matters. Why she's all that ever matters.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
, 3:40 AM
⇨Mr. Brightside
"'Cause I just can't look, it's killing me"
It's tough. That I won't lie about. In these situations someone has to compromise.
It's me who has to force himself to understand. To force himself to numb all the emotions he has towards it. To mindlessly indoctrinate himself into believing that, maybe, in the end it is okay. And forcing this idea into his head until it becomes okay.
But I guess that's what college does. It forces you to grow up. To challenge you. To change you.
But love is beyond change, beyond challenge, beyond growth.
I guess, things really are changing. You're growing, you aren't the same innocent girl you were at the start.
Maybe it's time I've started growing up too, and realizing that you aren't the same innocent person you were before. Maybe this is more of a problem that's my entirely my fault. Maybe i'm too stubborn. It's not easy. It still tortures me to even imagine you doing that. And i don't even know why and THAT kills me even more. Be understanding. I have feelings too.
But that's life and love. It kicks you down and helps you up. It tears you apart and puts the pieces back together.
It's time for a serious reality check.
I just need time to think.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
, 1:57 PM
⇨One summer's day
That feeling. That feeling where you think you're stuck. Stuck and confused. Why don't you trust me. What have I ever done to break the trust between us.
I trust you with everything. You're over a hundred miles away, but I trust you. You're a good person, and I love you enough to know that nothing would ever happen.
But why don't you believe anything I say? When have I ever lied to you about something like this?
If you believed what I said more often, instead of not trusting me for no apparent reason, then none of this would have happened.
I told you it wasn't that fun, I didn't enjoy myself as much as I thought I would. I'm being as honest as I possibly can, what more do you want out of me? I've done everything. I have no reason to blatantly lie to your face, and I've never lied to your face in the past, so why do you keep thinking I am?
If I felt like you were holding me back, honest to God I would tell you. I would straight up tell you that you're holding me back. But I haven't. You know why? Because I. Do. Not. Feel. Held. Back.
I don't need you to speak on behalf of my happiness. I know what I want in life and I know what's best for me. You don't need to say that the stuff you do holds me back. I am the only person who knows what holds me back and what doesn't. I AM the only one that can judge whether I feel held back or not. And I can honestly assure you that you don't hold me back.
And if you don't believe anything that I've said while spilling my heart out, then I don't know what else to do. You have to trust me.
What's a relationship without trust.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
, 12:33 AM
⇨Home
"Just know you're not alone, 'cuz I'm gnna make this place your home"
Something, something about your presence. I don't know how to describe it. Calming? Relaxing? It just feels like everything falls into place; like it's just natural. It doesn't even matter where we are, it will always feel perfect. And all this is because of you, just one person. Who knew one person was going to make such an enormous impact on my life.
It always makes me so sad to say goodbye. I know I'm always going to see you soon. But still, it makes me feel terrible. The fact that I won't wake up and know I'm seeing you tomorrow morning. Or the next day. Or the next. And so on. And just knowing you're so distant from me, that you'd be off living your own life far away from me. And it makes me bleh. It sucks. It's just these fucking nights. Nights like this where you're all that's on my mind. Those sleepless, restless nights..
Some days I end up un-knowingly zone out, and I think of all our memories together. All our disneyland dates, all our sushi adventures, all our Rowland days. I could seriously go on and on for hours. About how just one girl gave me the best summer of my life. We've had so many good times together. It chokes me up because, I just feel so lucky and blessed with you in my life. Thank you so much for staying with me, through everything.
I love you.
I love you.
Monday, October 1, 2012
, 10:49 PM
⇨So Far Away
"So far away we are today, than yesterday"
It's hard. It's always hard. Goodbyes like this never get any easier. But when was it ever easy. I miss you. Things are so difficult. I know we won't drift apart. I don't know why it troubles me so much.
I miss you.
Friday, September 14, 2012
, 2:46 AM
⇨Ghosts
"So tell me what keeps you up at night, keeps you from closing your eyes"
Damnit, why am I moving away to college I'm already losing touch with a lot of my close friends. I really hope this trend doesn't continue, although I'm pretty sure it will. I'm really unsure how to live up the final days of my summer vacation. Time to be spontaneous.
Monday, September 10, 2012
, 2:08 AM
⇨Best Nights
"On my way home, still wishing I was inside your bedroom"
Oh shit, it's here. College is literally right around the corner. So. Many. Things. On. My. Mind.
What's going to happen when I move in? Will I make friends? Will I meet cool people? Will I stay in touch with my old friends in high school?
How will things between you and I be? Better? Worse? I honestly do not know.
I can't just give up. On us. Our memories, our moments, everything is so hard to part with. From our sweet little innocent beginnings to all our new and memorable adventures together. I can't just throw them all away. Our trip to L.A. Disneyland. 99 cent stores. Beach. Shit man.
I'm not afraid of what college life is going to be like. I'm afraid of how it's going to change things between me and everyone I know right now, friends, best friends, family, girlfriend.
I feel ready for college. But in the back of my mind I know that I'm probably not ready, mentally.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
, 8:33 PM
⇨You And Me
"'Cause it's you and me, and all of the people with nothing to do"
Sigh, sometimes, I feel like the world's worst boyfriend. I fuck up way way way way too much. Serious props to my girlfriend for having patience with me. I'm so sorry for everything.
I seriously need to make myself into a better person, I really do. For everyone. Especially you. Please put up with me. I'm a handful. I really don't want to lose you. You're way too special.
I hate getting in between you and your friends; I want you to be happy with them, I really do. I'm sorry if I drag you away from them sometimes.
Must. Become. A. Better. Boyfriend.
lol sorry this post is all about my relationship
lol sorry this post is all about my relationship
Saturday, July 14, 2012
, 1:44 AM
⇨So You Can Cry
"I'll ask the sun to shine away from you can cry"
Talked to my ex-girlfriend today, after nearly 2 years of absolutely no contact. Just like old times. Just like old times. It was so weird. Just comes to show that time flies by. Glad to know everything is fine now.
Had this conversation with my bestfriend the other day about relationships. I haven't talked to her about deep-ish(?) personal feelings and ish in a long time.
It wasn't me really venting. It was just me asking her all these questions about her relationship and in my head applied the situation to mine. It's just that I've just been having probably the stupidest thoughts lately, that things between us were starting to change. It was a very very dumb thought, I know, and I didn't deserve to think of it like that. It's just, it's just with you, I feel so different from the rest. I've never,.. I don't recall feeling the way I do about you with anyone. The kind of relationship we have,.. it's different, different than what I've experienced before. You're special--more special than people before. I don't understand why. I've never made a big deal about shit like this every before. What's going on? I'm so confused.
But it's so bittersweet. I seriously love what we have.
I know I complain a lot, make a big deal out of everything, and overreact. I'm obviously flawed, and for that I'm genuinely sorry.
I complain a lot, but deep down inside, I don't think I'd trade what we have for anything in the world. I'm content and absolutely happy.
I make a big deal out of everything because, well, I'm stupid and things just seem to be a big deal about me, but that's just a completely different problems about my perspective on our relationship; how I view you and how I view what we have together. I don't mean to make a big deal, it's just, shit I've said it a billion times already but YOU. ARE. SPECIAL. You, our relationship, and the fact that we're together, it's just a big deal to me because it all means so much to me. It really does.
I overreact, because, honestly I'm just a sensitive girly dude lol, and I care way too much. But i'd rather be someone who cares too much than someone who doens't give a shit. I'm sorry. I'll try my absolute hardest to not overreact.
Anything to make you happy.
Anything to make you happy.
Friday, July 13, 2012
, 1:07 AM
⇨When Did Your Heart Go Missing?
"I have you and you have me, We're one in a million, Why can't you see?"
I am so pathetic. We barely got to talk today, which is totally great because I know you're having the time of your life. But I can't help but miss you like crazy. I am such a sad sad creature.
Just realized a majority of my summer vacation consists of you and the senior crew, and a couple of seniors. But mostly you.
Disneyland was so much fun.
I have trust issues. But with what's happened in the past, how can I be blamed. But still, no excuses. It's not that I don't trust people, it's just that I feel like it's so difficult to learn to trust. Especially someone that's as significant to me as you are. I do trust you though, very much.
I wish I was treated better sometimes. I mean I'm already being treated very great. It's just there are moments where just,... nevermind.
Monday, July 9, 2012
, 2:07 AM
⇨Skin + Bones
"Never did she ever complain, yeah she's seen my worst days"
I seriously miss all my friends that I used to hang out a lot at with in high school. Graduation still has not hit me, but I feel like it's very very very slowly creeping up on me.
This relationship we have. It's great and it's been a hell of a lot of fun. Excuse me for being lame, but shit, just seeing you for the first time whenever we hang out,.. it's like I fall for you all over again.
Sigh. I still need a shit ton of patience. Especially with us. It's so hard, I have so many things to say that I can't, you'd just call me overemotional and girly. And don't even say you wouldn't, because I can guarantee to you that you will. I hate keeping stuff bottled up inside. But let's be honest, do I have a better option? I try so hard to protect you from things I might say. So often do i bite my lip or push myself to be patient. At the end of the day, I don't want you to get hurt. Or feel sad over what I say. And if that means putting your feelings over mine, then let it be.
And I'm sorry you have to settle for less than perfect. Please love me through all my flaws. I hate like not feeling like the best./div>
And I'm sorry you have to settle for less than perfect. Please love me through all my flaws. I hate like not feeling like the best./div>
Saturday, June 9, 2012
, 1:30 AM
⇨Upside Down
"I want to turn the whole thing upside down, I'll find the things they say just can't be found"
Life has been so surreal lately. So many things over the past month have ended. High school ended. Soccer ended. My friendship with a lot of acquaintances from school ended.
To this very day, graduation--and the fact that I'm done with high school and a majority of people in it--has not hit me. I really don't know how to feel. But I remember graduation SO vividly. The whole time I was in that stadium, life was both going in fast and slow motion. I don't know how to explain. It's just, I don't know. It's truly an experience that I can't EVER explain right.
Another reason why life's been so surreal is because I got a girlfriend. I'm still in that little corny honeymoon phase and I'll be honest I haven't felt this way in years since I last went out with someone. It's corny but like, I don't know, I feel like whenever she's around time just goes by too fast. Like I can't believe it's already June. lol.
I have so much more to blog about but I'll continue it another day.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
, 11:58 PM
⇨I Have Nothing
"Stay in my arms, if you dare"
I'm sad. That's really all I can say right now. I was just reminded of the times where I actually believed we would become something. That you sorta liked me back. And I sorta liked you. Well not sorta. I actually liked liked you. And I didn't know how to take your mixed signals. But that's all the past now. But like forreal, I think we would have made one cute ass fucking couple. We'd be such a duo.
I'm worried. Worried about these stupid AP tests, I have so much information to learn and review over the course of 3 days. Sigh.
I'm blessed. Blessed to have such great and amazing friends. And I mean that from the deep down bottom of my tiny little heart. I don't know what I'd do without these people in my life. Please, please, please, I need to stop growing up. Everyone's going to drift away. I won't be able to handle it.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
, 11:09 PM
⇨No Such Thing
"Welcome to the real world she said to me, condescendingly"
What an emotional week it has been; for everyone really. School was progressively getting worse and worse, and by Friday I was sick and tired of it. So I just isolated myself from a lot of people. Ignored their calls and texts. Just plain out isolated myself. Towards the end I was feeling way better, so I got cookies and ate out at Kabuki, which made my night totally better. I could tell, as I continued to isolate and stopped talking to a lot of people, I was feeling better. A lot better. Now I feel great, and I can put all my shit aside and enjoy the last full two weeks of my high school career! Yeah,.... fuck. It hasn't hit me that I'm about to be done with high school, forever.. A large chapter of my life is closing and I'm never going to come back to it. But I'm ready. Ready to bust open another door in my life--college.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
, 12:17 AM
⇨Brown Eyed Blues
"I just want to hold her hand, be her man"
Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't this coming. But I'd also be lying if I said i wasn't disappointed. Why are you being sketchy about your feelings? Especially towards me.
But I'm done with you. I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and all for fucking nothing. I want to just avoid you. But I want to be by your side as well.
It hurts. It fucking hurts. I can't stop thinking about how we'd be if we were together. It just makes me sad that nothing I imagined would happen. But I know I deserve better--at least I think so.
I just feel so fucking alone. I want to feel like people, especially my close friends, genuinely give a fuck about me. I need people by my fucking side. It hurts knowing people that claim to be really close to me just sit there while I go through hard times.
Friday, April 27, 2012
, 11:37 PM
⇨Saving All My Love, for You
"A few stolen moments, is all that we share"
I have so many questions. Why. Why did you hold my hand. Why did you act so, "cute" around me? Why did you fall asleep holding me. Why did we hold eachother's hands so, so "lovingly"? This is all so weird to me. I prefer it if people who had feelings towards me would be straight up about it. But we all know that would never happen. Just fucking say you like me. Or don't. I don't appreciate the mixed signals.
Senior excursion was great. Especially the bus ride home.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
, 11:51 PM
⇨Simple, Starving to Be Safe
I've simply stopped giving a fuck. About you, about this situation, about everyone. Why commit so much care into something so futile? Why care about someone that won't even give me the fucking time of day. I don't understand why I care so much. I'm so done with you, school, and everyone in general. Back to those moments where I want to be alone and isolated. Again. -_-
, 12:04 AM
⇨Eat Your Heart Out
"I got a fear, fear of falling"
Prom. It's almost undescribable. It was a truly amazing night, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The pictures in the beginning were hot, but I still had a lot of fun. The limo ride to dinner was so much fun. We sang and danced, and I went H.A.M., as always. The food was delicious, and it wasn't that expensive thanks to my 20% off. As a matter of fact, I spent less on prom's dinner than homecoming/kingsball, which I find hilarious. The limo to the dance was fun, we put the windows down and sang at random cars passing by. And then we arrived at the prom place and just chilled for a few moments. The dancing itself was okay, but my date was having a lot of fun. I could genuinely tell, by her dorky (and amazing) smile, she was having so much fun. And that made me have so much fun. And it was just great. Great for the both of us. Resting afterwards was amazing as well; how is that possible? It was the atmosphere. The soft jams playing live, the smoothies, the mellow quiet, and the scenery and lights. I was in pure bliss. It was just a perfect moment. My date started opening up, and we had a really nice, genuine conversation. It was such a serene scene. It was so great just to sit there, and take in everything. I couldn't fucking stop smiling. And then the rest of my friends came out and we all just sat there. My date taught me how to swing dance LOLOL. Then the dance neared the end, and my date and I had one final slow dance, to end prom. Outside, with the great scenery and live music I had described earlier. The whole time we were talking about how sad this was, how this was essentially my last dance and all. But it was kind of funny lol. The limo ride home was full of singing, and not much dancing. But damn, did we sing. We hand sung our hearts out, to "We Are Young", "Breakeven" and "She Will Be Loved" and it was great. I have the best friends in the world, honestly. I fucking love my friends to death. Then we were dropped off at my friends' house so we could all eat afterwards. My date had to go home, so I walked her to her car. She told me it was the most amazing school dance she's been to. I was very glad. Food after was good, surprised we weren't super tired because we were all laughing and stuff like crazy. Then all the food was done, we went home, and prom 2012 officially ended.
Friday, April 20, 2012
, 1:04 AM
⇨Unthinkable
"If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy, or would it be so beautiful.."
Damnit, I can't believe this is happening, AGAIN. I can't fall for you again. I just can't. I was doing so fine without liking you. Why, why, why.
Unrequited love sucks. My friend is going through the same thing; he's been committing too much to a girl that cares too little. I want him to know there are better people out there that he deserves, but his head is so stuck with that one girl that he isn't open-minded enough to notice those around him. He's an emotional wreck right now. But I'm here for him.
The highlight of my day was being mentioned in that post. It meant so much. I don't remember the last time I was called inspirational; all because of the way I handled yesterday's situation. I'm surprised, all I did was try not to hate that person, and I get another person to look up to me. It's a win-win situation.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
, 12:23 AM
⇨Undercover Matryn
"And she spoke words that would melt in your hands"
Being the only single one sucks. I feel left out. I just feel bad overall. But I'm done complaining. It's not always a bad thing to be lonely. I enjoy the solitude every once in a while,.. I guess. Times like these, I just want to go high up, to a moderately secluded place. I'd play some music and enjoy the scenery. I would sit there, and just think. I'd enjoy myself, through my guilty pleasure of seclusion. I would take in the brisk atmosphere. And I'd just sit there.
Practice today sucked. I kept losing the ball and it was very embarrassing.
Monday, April 16, 2012
, 1:14 AM
⇨Cigarretes in the Theatre
"Tell me your favorite things, tell me your favorite things"
Being single is gross. And boring. And icky. Why am I single I don't even know. I don't even know why it's a problem right now but it is. I have stupid problems.
On another note, I'm glad you two are finally getting closer and are starting to be on better terms.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
, 1:27 PM
⇨Silly Love Songs
"You think that people would have had enough of silly love songs"
I can't believe one person is bringing me down. ONE person. It shouldn't even matter that much. You shouldn't even matter that much. How am I letting you matter so much. Just. Get. Out.
On a side note, I hate liking people I have 0% chance with.
, 2:52 AM
⇨Eat That Up, It's Good for You
"It's too late, it's too late, you've got another one coming and it's gonna be the same"
Once again, I'm stuck here feeling like the only single one out of all my friends -____- Pretty soon that'll be the case, though. This seriously sucks lol. When will I find someone? When will someone end up liking me? Will anyone even like me -_- I feel like, like no one really wants wants me, if that makes sense. My self esteem is honestly not high at all, even though I put up too many fronts like it is. But, I know I'm not a bad person,... right? But I know for a sure fact that I'm not a good person either. I'm just, in between. I honestly wish I were attractive.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
, 12:58 PM
⇨Somebody That I Used to Know
"I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough"
Lately I've been feeling confused. But let's be honest, when do I not feel this way. It's so stupid, but I hate seeing myself losing you to someone else. It sucks, and it just gives me a really weird feeling in my stomach as I think, "that could have been me". It could be me. If I was given the time of day. But whatever. I'm trying my best not to think of you.
On a side note, I've realized that the majority of the time, I move on from people by liking someone else. I don't know if that's fucked up or helpful. I fall for people way too easily, especially if they fit almost everything I'm looking for.
Monday, March 26, 2012
, 11:38 PM
⇨I Won't Say I'm in Love
"You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh oh"
I'm at that tricky spot. That tricky spot where I don't know if I should continue liking you or not. I don't know. You obviously don't like me back. But should I try? I feel like if I try, I'd just get jealous, irritated, and hurt along the way. It's so easy to just give up on you right now. But, I don't know why I haven't. Something about you, won't make it any damn easier for me to stop. I can't explain what it is. It's cliche, I know. But I honestly can't find myself to explain. Should I stop? Or should I continue and hope? It's so hard to admit that I like you, because I just want to become detached from all this.
I wish shit like this was easy. I wish it was just like, when you like someone bam they instantly like you back. If only it were that simple...
, 2:53 AM
⇨Strings
"Oh what did I say, she's all shook up"
I love being the friend, that's always here for my other friends. It makes me feel proud to stand as a person someone can confide in. And I understand that not everyone wants to confide in me. But I think that's ok. Sometimes. It just bothers me when people say they think no one is there for them when clearly I am here.