Pictures, Lyrics, Emotions

12/15/15

I remember, almost exactly a year ago. I was studying on campus for hours, trying to cram as much as I could before my final the next day. I was completely miserable, unmotivated, and anxious. Then one of my friends, without me saying anything, walked up to me and gave me a hug. Then he told me "I'm sorry, it's going to be okay."

That's when I knew I really surrounded myself with the best group of people. My 2015 had so many ups and downs but in the end I realized how many great people were in it. How much people really changed my life.

After probably the most crushing and emotionally grueling first few months, my 2015 was looking really grim. Sad, lonely, and confused, I kept wondering what was going on. Then something came completely out of the left field. I got hired to a position that i've been wanting to work at since the school year started. I know people say cliche things and make remarks about how certain events completely changed my life. But this actually, really changed my life. At my job I met tons of people. It was an incredible culture shock being introduced to SO many different people, with SO many different personalities, and SO many different feelings. These people were literally a breath of fresh air. They were some of the most inspirational, driven, and talented people I had met. But more importantly, they helped me. I was quickly led out of my sadness. I was brought out of that deep, melancholy hole that I felt stuck in.
I remember one day at work, I was talking to this guy about U.C.S.B. He was one of the most kind, generous, and positive human being I had known. He talked to me about how he was graduating soon, and how he still could not comprehend how beautiful his school was, how great and amazing it was to have the opportunity to be where he was at, to experience the things he did, and to meet the people he met. He went on about how he had never spent a single day upset. He asked me how anyone could be upset when all they have to do is go outside, take a deep breath, and look around to feel the true beauty of their situation. I don't know if he was trippin or was high but I went with it anyways.

A few days later I decided, fuck it, i'm going to go to sands, take some pictures, and watch the sunset. And I did. And I don't think I ever felt more at peace with myself then that single moment. The scene was straight out of a movie: soft waves, orange sunset, and purple clouds. I could not believe I had been sleepin on this shit. But it felt great. It felt real. And for the first time in a long time I got butterflies and I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly felt so glad to be there, so glad to be in my situation, and so glad to finally start feeling better.

After my break up I had extremely low confidence, social anxiety, and severe lack of motivation. But it wasn't her fault. Not at all. It was completely mine, for letting it come down to that. I realized that I couldn't let myself in such a dark, dark place ever again. I made a promise to myself and my future self that I would never, ever, ever return to that sad place. I promised I'd always put myself first. I promised that I'd always take care of myself no matter what. That I was an important person in this world. That I was the best fucking thing ever and you know what? It felt great. I felt content. I felt completely spoiled by everything in my life. I felt whole.

I remember fall of 2015 I tried to kick as much ass as possible. I attended all the accounting events. I crammed like 10 applications and 10 cover letters into a single week. Interviews, resumes, applications, cover letters. That was my life for a couple weeks. It was incredibly busy with school and work piled on. I don't think I had ever grown so much as a person in such a small period of ti,e. Worked over, and over, and over again on my resume. Tried relentlessly to make myself a better person. My internship plans never went through, but I'm very happy that I was able to work so hard for something that the old me would have never, ever, ever thought I would. I was actually proud of myself, and the person I had become at the end of the year.

My 2015 is coming to an end, but I couldn't be happier.